So every night, for the past week or so, I have had vivid nightmares. The medics suggested it might be the high levels of medicine that I am taking, but it is not pleasant nor conducive to sleeping soundly and at the correct times of the night. The other night, I woke from a nightmare […]Read more "Never Good Enough"
It floats towards the mind like a silken thread spun by a spider. Try to catch the thread of the story, the idea, the poem before it breaks into nothing. Be gentle as you weave it into the pattern that suits this moment, this image, this truth, this tale. Gradually the beauty takes form. Images […]Read more "Thread"
It has been some time since I have been able to write about my experience with my black dog. Mainly because taking care of my black dog took most of my efforts in the past few months. Stress and anxiety over never being good enough, depression and wanting to die and being too scared to […]Read more "Back again"
Today one of my colleagues asked if I was going to celebrate the 4th of July and I told them no, that the 4th of July was the anniversary of a bad experience for me and so I do not celebrate it anymore. Ever since that conversation, I have been pondering whether I should in […]Read more "Happy Independence Day"
‘You’re Paranoid. You’re Paranoid. They’re coming to get you.’ The best way to describe my experience of paranoia in July 2015 was that everything suddenly clicked in my mind. Every detail of my life suddenly made sense; an alternative explanation and perspective started to dominate my thoughts. Everything and everyone throughout my life had a connection to the conspiracy threatening me. It was […]Read more "Conspiracy Connections Everywhen and Everywhere"
This post is about recovery and healing. I decided that some sunshine was necessary after the serious posts of last week and before I start telling about life in the mental hospital. For a few months following hospitalisation, I struggled to get out of bed and leave the house. It took a lot of effort working with my mental health […]Read more "Hope that the next day will be better than the last"
After a lifetime of living with depression, it was not depression that almost killed me, but paranoia. Over the course of about a year of working on time-consuming experiments with the ever-present threat of the end of my research contract and work-sponsored UK visa, I became more and more convinced that I was being secretly filmed in the […]Read more "If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad – Sylvia Plath"